A Dog's Life

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to live a day in the life of a dog. On the surface it seems like it would be a very relaxing way to spend the day. My dog occupies the majority of his time with sleeping, eating, and being petted. I don’t think there is any human being who can claim that. Well, other than Hugh Hefner. But he pays those girls to do that. My dog gets to do those things because he, unlike Hef, is loved by the people around him. But when I look beneath the surface, I’m not so sure that a dog’s life is as idyllic as we often are led to believe.

First of all, think of all of the things people do in front of their dogs that they wouldn’t do in front of other people. They walk around naked, fart, burp, pick their noses, and sing stupid songs to them. Some people will use the bathroom even if the dog is in it and others will even engage in intimate sexual activity while their dog sits on the floor and watches. Now, granted, dogs would do these things in front of us as well. But it’s far cuter when they do it than when humans do. Go ahead and look at this picture and then try to tell me that a pooping dog can't be cute. There's no denying that that puppy is cute, but have you ever called a man taking a massive dump cute? No, I didn't think so.

Plus think of how boring it must be to be a dog. They sit around without any mental stimulation all day long. It’s no wonder they bark like crazy whenever they see anything outside. I would too if the most exciting part of my day was getting my belly rubbed for a few minutes. Although it would be nice if somebody would rub my belly, nobody does right now. Okay, so there may be some benefits to being a dog. You don’t really ever have to worry about anything, other than whether or not your own crotch tastes good, and you get room and board for free. Of course, that is assuming that you’re a dog with a home. Stray dogs are another matter entirely. I don’t think anybody would ever want to be a stray dog. Although this dog might not mind leaving its owners for a life on the streets.

Just remember the next time you want to strangle Fido for barking like crazy at the squirrel in the yard that seeing that squirrel is probably as entertaining for him as watching Avatar is for you. And if you’re one of those snobby pricks who doesn’t like Avatar because it’s not “original” then go ahead and instead insert the name of that one offbeat indie film that you’re the only one enlightened enough to truly understand.